The Spirit of the Season Everyday

T'is the season and the spirit of it is everywhere! Especially amongst the Fellowship! For most of the world, whether your tradition is religious or secular, it is considered the season of gift giving. Whether those gifts are wrapped in brightly-colored packages with ribbons or they are gifts of time with family or friends or doing charitable deeds for the needy, the spirit is one of giving.

I received a gift today, two days after Christmas when a man I admire called and asked me to attend a particular meeting.

For the first time in many moons, I walked in through the doors of the clubhouse I had spent much of my sobriety in and sat down in the Sunrise meeting to celebrate my friend's 5th year sobriety anniversary.
It felt a bit strange for a few moments, being in the room that I had practically memorized the cracks in the ceiling and knew exactly how many steps it took from the front of the room to the coffee pot. I saw faces I knew and exchanged hugs with many I hadn't seen in a long time since I now go to another meeting in a church. This meeting, in particular, was one that I started 13 years ago in a moment of despair and desperation with over 11 years sober, in an effort to survive one of those "low spots and trials" I was having that is referred to in Bill's Story in the AA Big Book.

That passage, which begins on page 14, warns that "if an alcoholic fails to perfect and enlarge their spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others" they may not be able to survive future bumps in the road (to paraphrase). Note that the sentence says "through", implying that the survivor's pathway IS the work and self-sacrifice for others - which echoes another mandate on page 20 in the Big Book. There it states, that "our very lives as ex-problem drinkers depends upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs."

I looked around the room in awe. It was standing room only at 6:30 a.m.and all these people were present for my friend that was picking up 5 years. That man had touched literally hundreds of lives in his (so far) relatively brief journey in recovery, tirelessly carrying the message to as many people as crossed his path. Going above and beyond, he had led regular workshops, sponsored oodles of men who went out and carried the message, started a weekly evening meeting that had blossomed to become so large they were forced to split into another group that met across town in a different location. Over half of the people in the room this morning were either directly or indirectly sober due to God working through my friend as a channel for the message of hope and the solution of recovery.

I was astounded. In my head, I heard  the words of my first sponsor that perhaps the whole reason we in the rooms of AA and other 12 Step Fellowships were spared from the incredible odds of death by this disease of addiction was so that we might be of service to help someone else find freedom, hope, peace, joy .... all those lofty things the world wishes one another during the holidays.
Yet here, lowly, despicable drunks that we were, are today privileged enough to experience these lofty things every day of the year in recovery. And the evidence was all around me.

Sobriety in and of itself  is such an amazing, incredible miracle and gift that we have been given, but to watch the synergistic effect of one alcoholic finding the Great Reality deep down within and having a spiritual awakening that rocketed him into the Fourth Dimension is a gift that cannot be described, only expereienced.
The 12th Step promises from page 89 says "this is an expereience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it."

I wish each of you all the gifts that are available to us if we will accept the grace being offered. God, as you understand God, is waiting to hand you a package, the whole package, the gift of living in the sunlight of the spirit in every season, every day. Please open your palms and receive it.

Peace.

What's On Your Mind (Or NOT on your mind, for that matter)?

Many people seem confused about what meditation is, or isn't, and often mistake contemplation for meditation. Not to say that a contemplative thought can not lead into meditation, as it certainly can and often times does.

I hope this doesn't all sound like "pretzel-logic" (thank you, Steely Dan), but think about this. 

For years, I believed meditation was reading an inspirational excerpt from a book like the Daily Reflections, Each Day a New Beginning, 24 Hours a Day, ODAT, the Language of Letting Go or any number of the oodles of books we pick up for every imaginable malady. All those are well and fine and can provide much food for the spiritual seeker to chew on ... with their mind.

However, this is not Meditation...especially if you forget what you read the second you closed the book and ran out the door for work. Meditation is, actually, NOT thinking. 

Meditation is like taking the conscious mind offline, if you will, to catch the subtle, to hear that still, small voice.Many people get what they need in meditation by a specific discipline, others from different areas or types of practices. 

So, contemplation is a form of thinking. Thinking is engagement of the mind. And there's nothing wrong with that. I enjoy it everyday. Contemplation gives a focus, a personal examination of an idea or thought, like a personal topic for the day, even, if that is something that works for you. 

Contemplation

 Here are some inspirational authors of a variety of spiritual paths that I use for contemplation above and beyond a book designed specifically for a daily thought.

Anthony de Mello – The Way to Love, Song of the Bird

Don Miguel Ruiz - The Four Agreements, The Fifth Agreement, the Mastery of Love

Eckhart Tolle- The Power of Now

Emmet Fox -Sermon on the Mount

Lao Tsu – Tao Te Ching

Marianne Williamson – Return to Love, A Woman’s Worth,

 Any of her Course in Miracles discussions

Neale Donald Walsch – Conversations With God

Wally P. – How to Listen to God
Dalai Lama - Ethics for the New Millenium

Other amazing authors and teachers(the short list because it is otherwise seemingly eternal):

Carolyn Myss

Black Elk

Chief Seattle

Starhawk 

Henry David Thoreau

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thich  Nhat Hanh

Deepak Chopra

• Journaling - this practice of writing down daily thoughts helps untangle our self-talk or obsessions/blockages that might be clogging the channel for “hearing” direction and guidance of our Higher Power. It can be very effective for unwinding my day, like yarn off a spindle, de-stressing and relaxing me before I go to sleep. Often times I even surprise myself with an insight or perspective that may pop out from my writing. Journaling is also an excellent tool for contemplating and observing my growth when I go back and read past entries and use them for comparison with where I am today.

• Dream Analysis- another form of contemplation that is exceptionally helpful for me is an awareness of my dreams, writing them down in the morning before they slip from memory in an attempt to understand my personal dream language or the language of the soul. Certain communiqués from our unconscious mind float up like flotsam and jetsam while we sleep to get our attention about something that perhaps the Ego is unable to look at during waking consciousness. It takes a little practice, but eventually one begins to understand their own personal dream language and what the metaphors & symbols mean to them, which varies from person to person. There are a gazillion dream analysis books or dictionaries, but I find creating or understanding my own (which even varies due to context,) is the most effective. Occasionally, I might look something up for an archetypal reference, but for the most part, I now know what my Higher Self is trying to say to me and where my focus might ought to be or an area that needs my attention and/or action.

• Divination-  If the following techniques for contemplation make you uncomfortable, please  disregard ... and by all means, do not participate if you do not wish to - they work for some people and are not necessarily related to occult practices. Please keep your judgements reigned in. Divination is much like a mirror that the Universe is holding up for you, often telling you what you already know deep down but may have been afraid to look at. It is not taking away free will of any kind to use divination techniuques such as Oracles, I Ching, runes, tarot, Animal Medicine cards, consulting a pendulum, scrying a crystal ball, candle or water.

Meditation

If sitting quietly, lotus or otherwise, is virtually impossible for you, even if you have attempted to practice it for some time and it still leaves you feeling unfulfilled and wondering if you are "doing it right", perhaps we should consider expanding our definition of meditation and dispel some misconceptions.

There are many other ways to practice meditation or at least try on for size something until you find one or several combinations of ways to “listen”. Mostly it is creating the space in your mind, heart and spirit, as well as your physical realm, to experience the sacred and be in the moment without being a human doing.

The language of the universe is symbol and metaphor. It is sometimes obvious, but more often it is exceptionally subtle - the whisper that feels like intuition, the quiet inspiration that gently asks for your attention or acknowledgement.

Some Types of Meditation

• Artistic - “Tuning in ” by playing music with whatever comes into your head, writing from  the Muse in poetry, pondering with pen, painting, drawing, crafting, woodworking. pottery
• Auditory – relaxing ambient music, drumming, humming, bells, chimes, singing bowls
• Breath Work – Pranayama, Holotropic, Rosen Method Healing
• Chakra Toning – uttering the corresponding tones for each chakra that will harmonize and balance the proper rotation of our spinning energy centers along our spine
• Chanting – mantra(s) or specific religious phrases or prayerful names/requests. For example -“Om”, ( without or without Mala beads) or "Hail Mary" with a Rosary)
• Conscious awareness & thoughtful presence (mindfulness) – noticing, being fully present in the moment, seeing, listening, engaging all of our senses in deep awareness without labeling or judgment of  the experience
• Detached Observance – Watching waves, stargazing, cloud watching, sunrise/sunsets, fire gazing, bees/flowers
• Focused concentration - holds attention on a particular object while consistently bringing the mind back to concentrate on the chosen object. For example, in anapanasati, one pays attention to the movement of one's breath
• Guided Mediation - someone using a measured tone in their voice relaxs the participant and makes suggestions of things to think about, leading you through journey of images
• Imagery – focus on gazing at images like sacred geometry, mandalas, symbols, sigils, pictures or photographs        
• Movement – Yoga (sun salutations or specific types), Tai Chi Chuan, Qi Gong, free form & flowing expressive dance, running, swimming, walking (but the latter three not for fitness goals necessarily)     
• Taoist or Zen – Chop wood carry water (“doing” Meditations), walking labyrinths,  gardening, raking Zen Gardens, ad infinitum
• Timed Quiet – seated with feet flat on floor, spine elongated, lying down or in lotus or cross-legged position, allowing thoughts to flow through, least resistance, acknowledge & release.
• Transcendental – a specific form of mantra meditation

The beautiful thing about the "doing" meditations (which are some of my favorites that suit me well) is that it keeps my hummingbird-like, left brain busy with a mindless task, creating a space for the right brain to allow more intuition. Sometimes I can even find meditation in cleaning the leaves from the swimming pool or washing dishes,  so that I am able to carry spiritual awareness into any activity transforming into a living, spiritual exercise of presence!

At first it may not seem like a regular practice of meditation is really having any affect, but it’s similar to the wind. We can’t see the wind but we can see how it moves the trees.

Take the story of the Lamplighter ... If you’re standing at twilight on a street lined with gas lanterns, you will begin to see lights come on, like fireflies, as the lamplighter makes his way through the town, around the curves and all the way up the hill. You may not see the lamplighter himself but, as one by one, the lights appear, you know where the lamplighter has been.

I believe that one can go deeper and deeper in meditation practices. It is a limitless frontier to be explored, and the by-product is an ever improved and deepening conscious contact and working relationship with our Higher Power.

When Self is reduced, rather than dominant, there is more room for the Divine. In fact, a 14^th Century mystic, Meister Eckhart, said ...

 “Nature abhors a vacuum. God abhors a vacuum. When you empty yourself of Self, you automatically fill with God.”

Think about it...or not ;)

Recovery - A True Alchemy

Turning lead into gold. It's what the ancient predecessors to our modern scientists, the alchemists, aspired to - the art of transformation. Or more importantly, "to perfect or evolve the substance at hand; to change something that is inferior, imperfect or unacceptable into something better and closer to what they desire." *

Alchemists believed that gold could emerge from deep within the heart of the other lower metals and the baser materials could be transmuted by natural elemental procedures . I find it very intriguing that the spiritual journey of the alcoholic or drug addict when they undertake recovery so parallels this alchemical process, undergoing phases of the transformation where their very soul is the lab.

It is even remarkable to me that the alchemical symbol for the end result of the process, the Philosopher's Stone, so closely resonates with the symbol adopted by our early pioneers in Alcoholics Anonymous - the circle around the triangle.  I read in the book, As Bill Sees It, the triangle in the circle,was an ancient symbol used to ward off "evil spirits". Spirits, liquor. Teehee. Who says drunks don't have a sense of humor?

"As Above, So Below" is a popular term in alchemy from the text, the Emerald Tablet, that sounds a bit like "On Earth as it is in Heaven". The real treasure that the alchemists found was that the alchemy was a quest manifesting on all planes at once, the spiritual and the physical, which may account for why they had sacred spaces and altars in their actual laboratories and took the time to tap into Divine energy before proceeding with their work. So often we have newcomers to the Program wonder why a spiritual solution is necessary. Page 44 in the Big Book says that "you may be suffering from a disease that only a spiritual experience will conquer", because lack of power is our dilemma. We are powerless. So Power is our solution.  And again, like the alchemy, change on one plane effects all planes at once, as one of the 4th Step Promises says, "when the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically." (Big Book, page 64)

Surrender - Step One 

In this initial phase of alchemy, the Nigredo, the Prima Materia or prime matter (in this illustration represented by the alcoholic) is reduced to its lowest possible, most fundamental essence in an almost unrecognizable, blackened void state. And thus we find ourselves when we hit that bottom, that moment of desperation, where the blackest moment is just before the dawn. We are so beaten down and ravaged by the disease that often times people don't even recognize who we are, as we are simply a shadow of the person that once was.

Author Dennis William Hauck says this phase is a "tortuous stage where the substance (us) is forced to surrender many superfluous characteristics in order to reveal its true nature. The goal in this initial phase of transformation is to reduce the matter (Self/Ego) to its bare essence or most fundamental ingredients."  This mortification is characterized on the spiritual plane as "shame, embarrassment, guilt, and worthlessness as one confronts the base, repugnant materials  he has hidden away inside himself."

Sound familiar?

The Rest of the Story

Other subsequent alchemical processes that incredibly parallel recovery are:

• Calcination - where heat is applied to "dry out" the nasty sludge of the broken down substance, where our souls finally despair of trying to survive in a world of spiritual drought and the false ego is destroyed by heat. An old AA joke was "Are you seeing the Light or feeling the heat?"  
• Dissolution - also sometimes simply referred to by the alchemists as solution. Get this - "the water in the ashes were dissolved and took on magical terms which they called elixir, literally meaning 'from the ashes'." You little Phoenix, you! Like the Firebird, the alcoholic rises above the poisonous vapors of the subconscious and begins to experience a reborn self. 
• Purification - this phase is the cleansing of the substance ( us) and reunion on a new level of purity. This is referred to as the "White Phase" and is like the light at the end of the dark tunnel. (Sounds like a 5th Step to me.)
• Separation - where contaminating influences (for our purposes we shall call these character defects), which are no longer relevant or useful by the essence of your true self or healed and Higher Selfare, are isolated and discarded. This process requires honesty about your faults and what is worth salvaging from your old personality. Smacking of Steps 6 & 7 here, yes?
• Conjunction - this culmination of the work in the "Below" or realm of Matter, is the recombination of the saved elements (those that are useful to your renewed being) into a new compound or purer substance. When we make reparations in the Universe for the wreckage we've created in the past, we begin to see the Transformation as we experience the 9th Step promises ... and more! This is the beginning of the "emotional and mental rearrangements" or psychic change - the alchemy taking place in the "Above" or realm of the Spirit. One of the 10th Step promises says "we have entered the world of the Spirit."                  

           "Conjunction is the doorway to a new level of empowerment."       *

Fermentation, Distillation & Coagulation

No, boys and girls, we are not talking sour mash or white lightning here ... but very close. This is sort of where the venom is transmutated. In other words, if Self is my poison (page 62 - Selfishness is the root of my troubles) then selflessness is my anti-venom. The Big Book, Page 20 says "Our very lives as ex-problem drinkers depends upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs."

This is where the rubber meets the road and the lead really does begin to reveal its hidden golden heart. 

Caution : Coagulation is the operation where the most failures occur, whether that's in the alchemist's lab or your personal transformative process. How many of us went through Step 7 and, after a sigh of relief that all that self-analysis was over, failed to make all of our amends. We stopped in the crucial phase of our spiritual work and many alcoholics and drug addicts relapse due to unfinished amends - even Dr. Bob, our co-founder didn't complete all his amends and drank again after Bill had brought him the message. When he completed all his amends, he never drank again.

On the other hand, IF the new substance (us) as a result of coagulation survives, it becomes empowered during this last phase or Rubedo.  The discussion of the 3rd Step in the Big Book refers to our Higher Power as the Principal and we are the Agent.  An agent is someone empowered by the Principal to carry out the Higher Will.  It's not our Power but THE Power from a Higher Source. Things that make you go hhmmm.

In alchemy, Fermentation and Distillation combine opposing energies to create the final crystallization of energy and matter that becomes the Philosopher's Stone.

Fermentation on a spiritual level starts with the inspiration of spiritual power that reanimates, energizes and enlightens the Substance (again, that would be "us"). This is where our 10th & 11th Step allows the Power to flow in, giving us inspiration through prayer, deep meditation, visualization and a desire for improved conscious contact with a Higher Power. By connecting to Power we are given the power to be more effective in helping others. The 10th Step intent is to grow in understanding and effectiveness.

Distillation is the repeated separation and recombination of the higher and lower aspects of the personality. The alchemists used boiling and condensation of a solution over and over to release the pure essence of spirit in the Substance, thus increasing its concentration and purity. We continue to work the Steps and the proven solution, over and over, distilling ourselves in a manner of speaking, in order to continue to be transformed so we can become better channels for the Power to work through us. 

" We are always recycling thoughts and regurgitating emotions in a never-ending struggle to organize our lives and find direction and meaning. This chaotic process goes on unchecked and unnoticed until a distilled idea breaks through in the form of a new insight and revised judgement. Personal distillation requires being conscious of this process and deliberately pursuing it to its conclusion to ensure that no impurities from the inflated ego or submerged shadow are incorporated into the new self manifesting in the final stages of transformation." *

At Long Last

"Coagulation produces a new incarnation that can survive in all realms." AA offers me a solution to ALL my problems.

Finally, we have reached a new state of awareness, the "cosmic essence", if you will, according to the ancient alchemist, Paracelsus.

In Christian terms, this stage would be the ultimate matter of the soul as in in the form of the resurrected body of Christ.

In Eastern traditions, it would be likened to the formation of the Astral Body or Diamond Body, golden or crystallized Light of the Spirit, our Etheric body.

In the words of the alchemical text, the Emerald Tablet, "All obscurity will be clear to you. This is the greatest force of all powers, because it overcomes every Subtle thing and penetrates every Solid thing."

Once an alcoholic or drug addict experiences the transformational process of the previous 11 Steps, once they become useful, productive members of society and know first hand all of the Promises that come from doing the work, they are consequently therefore compelled, even propelled forward into service for their brothers and sisters, still suffering from the disease. They cannot help but "fly forth" as the Phoenix and carry the message because they want to. They yearn to offer hope to the dying, as they were offered deliverance through the Divine and the transformational process. This is where our gold shines forth from deep within and we become of "maximum usefulness to God" (our Higher Power) "and the people about us".

"As we felt new Power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn." (page 63, Alcoholics Anonymous) 

This is true alchemy. Recovery through Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12 Step Fellowships is the amazing, miraculous, breathtakingly beautiful art of transformation. 

* Quotes from Dennis William Hauck, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Alchemy

  

Where is the Road of Happy Destiny?

How do you imagine it looks? Is it an unpaved track, strewn with brightly colored, changing leaves of Autumn? Is it a smooth passage splashed with bright sunshine, rolling green hills on either side? Does it boast an open vista of blue skies and puffy white clouds drifting lazily?

It doesn't really matter what you dream it looks like and maybe it changes and it resembles all of the above. Whatever the case, you want to get there ... you just know that you want to be on it with your friends, walking, step-by-step, maybe even skipping from time to time, in the same direction, laughing, happy, joyous and free.

Let's try something. Enter the Road of Happy Destiny in your GPS. It will likely offer some suggestions that may or may not include components of your request. Then you'd have to pick one that doesn't say exactly what you are looking for. Now you have to choose whether you want to blindly trust where the navigation system is going to send you and hope it's remotely near your destination and won't take you hundreds of miles out of your way... or you could just break out the paper map. In this case, that map would be the turn-by-turn directions bound in a little "atlas" known as the Big Book, officially known as Alcoholics Anonymous.

A Florida elder statesman in the Fellowship, Sandy B., refers to the Big Book as a treasure map. It is not the treasure itself, but it will tell you where to find the treasure. That said, I suppose that makes the map absolutely essential if you expect to find the treasure, otherwise you may as well enter "TREASURE" in the GPS and see where that takes you. Few of us are as lucky as Captain Jack Sparrow to have a compass that doesn't point north but will take us directly to what we most desire.

I am sad and amazed that in some meetings of 12 Step recovery you will get the evil eye if you read a passage from the Text - "Text" referring to the first 164 pages of the Big Book.  Now, if you read from the Daily Reflections in order to get your topic, or the 12 x 12, or that message-mangling, Living Sober book, there seems to be no issue. It is moments like these that I feel I am living in a parallel universe, that I appear to be sitting in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous but it's really a game called, "What's Wrong with this Picture?"

A sponsee of mine recently read out of  Chapter 3, "We Agnostics", at a clubhouse, open "destruction" meeting and afterward a man approached her and asked what she was reading from. When she showed him her Big Book, his disappointed reply was, "Oh, I thought it was a spiritual book you were reading out of."  When she informed him that indeed it WAS a spiritual book, he walked away mumbling that he had read that ...ONCE.

One wonders, what was he looking for, exactly? A volume that when you open it up a magic wand floats out of it and bonks you over the head with some airy fairy poetry and you are enlightened?

A treasure map implies you have to go somewhere, do something, find something by taking some actions.

If someone gave me some rumored, spoken instructions, one time only, on how to ride a horse, then told me that they rode side-saddle and yet I had never seen a horse, nor knew how to mount one, let alone ride it, side-saddle or otherwise, I would not feel comfortable getting on a horse and galloping around the countryside.

In the relatively short time span that A.A. has been around, can it be that the Fellowship is losing its way already?  Such a result usually happens when what is relied upon is opinion or conjecture rather than using informed directions, over and over, step-by-step plus utilizing the guidance of personal experience, strength and hope of a sponsor. I find it a dark day when I cannot simply tell someone who approaches me for help to just attend a meeting. Instead, I feel it responsible to warn them about not believing everything they hear and suggest specific meetings where they might obtain the real message. Many of these are Big Book or Step studies and many times, closed meetings (mainly to avoid court referrals and the Lost & Lonely Hearts Club).

Please understand I am not intending to disrespect AA - quite the conrtary. I am not making a blanket statement about the whole of the A.A. Fellowship, nor all 12 Step programs, for that matter. However, we do seem to have wandered off the beaten path quite a bit and in droves. Fortunately, there are "pockets of enthusiasm", (a recently coined phrase), all over the world where people are passionate about carrying THE Message, as it is written in the Text that clearly states "Rarely have we seen a person fail that has thoroughly followed our path." These members and groups are getting back to the proven solution outlined by the first 100 men and women who wrote this book and the legions of people that have followed their course of action to the letter and achieved happy, useful sobriety/clean time or abstinenece.  Their meetings usually have structure and guidelines so that people don't hold an entire meeting hostage, bemoaning their woes and treating the hour as their personal group therapy session.

When a meeting has 40 people in it and 5 people hog the entire hour, and of those 5, only one maybe even mentioned solution or steps or the Big Book's agreed upon recipe for recovery, then there is something drastically wrong with this picture. Hearing about what a victim you are because your boss doesn't appreciate you, or that your weedeater is broken again and throws you into a murderous rage, is not sharing to help someone. Airing your dirty laundry with information that really should be reserved for and restricted to your 5th Step, and your sexcapades are recounted in a mixed company gathering that horrifies and runs off newcomers, and they are not silenced by the leader of the meeting - this is NOT responsible and cannot even be considered "sharing & caring", for crying out loud.

When someone says they have been given a relapse prevention workbook from a facility, though I am certain the center had the best of intentions, I wonder if the person with the workbook even realizes that the best relapse prevention is called getting recovered. (Yes, I said the past tense word ... and with no apology.) The instruction manual for permanent recovery (read your forwards) is clearly outlined in the cleverly disguised Big Book and prescribes working the Steps in order to have a spiritual awakening (or awakenings), carrying the message and continuing to work the program as shown to us in the text. "Relapse prevention" implies that I have the ability to keep myself sober if I just follow these nifty little tips in the facility workbook and keep a watchful eye on my triggers. In which case, if I could prevent my disease in the first place, I would not be powerless and therefore, I would not qualify for this program.

If I want to just be "dry", abstinent from all mind-altering substances and attempt to rack up some "time" by relying on the Fellowship and comraderie from the shipwreck to help me white knuckle my way to a few chips or even medallions, I am free to take the "advice" so liberally thrown around the rooms of watered-down Program. I can "keep coming back", "keep the plug in the jug", "just don't drink and go to meetings" and "hang in there, baby" with no dramatically different quality of life or emotional stability. If I make it, allegedly, I might end up eating a bullet one day with double digit "sobriety" because I am haunted by an out-of-control spiritual malady with no way out because Pride and Fear are my captors.

Warning - at the very least, this particular route may resemble driving with the GPS around Katmandu to reach Timbuktu, if you're lucky. Or it could lead you back into the abyss of your disease or to the gates of insanity or death, if you are truly one of  us, of the hopeless variety.

Thankfully, we have another choice. Ditch the GPS du jour and study the treasure map!

 It's colorful, a symphony of intricate icons, and though the writing seems cryptic at first, keep reading. It is beautifully, and mysteriously, crystal clear when you follow the clues and steps in order. The truth unfolds like a ship's sail and then you see the pattern painted upon it and you will understand what we are talking about.

Then you can join your brothers and sisters that are living in the common solution described on page 17, and by the time you hit page 164, you can be trudging (which does not mean grueling by the way, but "walking with purpose") the Road of Happy Destiny.

May God bless you and keep you until then.
Aaargh!

Knock Knock Knock … “HOUSEKEEPING!”

"Cleanliness is next  to Godliness,” according to the old adage.  And there may be no truer example of that than in the case of the alcoholic or drug addict.  It’s not that we are striving for sainthood or because we desire to be clean as the driven snow, it’s just the simple fact that our lives depend on it!

Thus the housecleaning begins – Step 4 in the program of recovery.  I hear the gasps and sighs already.  Some people, maybe a lot of people in the Fellowship, seem to dread this idea of taking a searching and fearless moral inventory.  Not sure if it’s the word “moral” that scares them, since many of us seem to be fuzzy in that area, but it really doesn’t have to be the monster of our nightmares jumping out from under the bed to scream “Oogely Boogely!”

Assuming that you have taken the previous Steps as the directions in the Big Book of AA have so beautifully spelled it out, then you asked something bigger than you or your disease to take care of you through the rest of the process – the remaining 9 steps.  Though you may be feeling uplifted, you are waiting for this surge of Power that magically turns you into the courageous, superhero able to leap tall character defects in a single bound… and not much has changed, right?

It’s hard to feel the Sunlight of a Divine Source if you are still standing in your own Shadow.  You believe, or are willing to believe, but you can’t quite access the Power that can accomplish what human power (particularly your own) has proved unsuccessful on your addiction.  That is, until you do a little fancy footwork forward along the path into what we call the transformational process.  All you did in the 3rd Step was make a decision and ask for help.  A decision infers that there should be some sort of action to follow it up in order to carry it out.  Now you can take the door hanger off the knob, that for so long has read “Do Not Disturb”, and let the cleaning crew come in.

Those obstacles must be removed as quickly as possible to be able to get the flow of Power when it is needed – when we are in blind obsession and driven to use, or in those strange mental blank spots when we can’t recall the pain and suffering of the last drink (or hit of crack or shot of dope.)

Your life is on the line here!  Dilly-dallying around on carrying out that decision is not a good idea.  I mean, you wouldn’t take a leisurely stroll through the worst section of town, at midnight, alone, unarmed, clean and sober, expecting to stay that way, carrying just a desire, would you?  What needs to be understood is the regenerative powers of the Ego are swift and staggering.  Dr. Harry Tiebout wrote some provocative essays on  this.  The disease is hiding behind every lurking notion you could ever dream possible and if the Ego reconstructs, the spiritual malady returns and, consequently, the obsession is not far behind.

THE SELF GANG

By the way, that section of town you’re venturing into is run by the Self Gang.  Let me introduce you.  These are the worst thugs around.  They are the Most Wanted.  Their pictures are tacked to the wall of your mental, emotional and spiritual post office.  Their ring leader is Resentment and its cronies are Fear and Selfish Behavior, particularly in the guise of Sex.

Selfishness appointed itself in charge of prostitution, loosely speaking.  It may be hiding behing the veil of romance, maybe even monogamy.  But it's slick and good lookin’, and its ulterior motive is all about what it can get from the other person or persons.  The smooth operator is the epitome of self-serving, using those it focuses attention on to make themselves feel whole, attractive, loved, cool... you name it. The game is attention and validation, whether we are aware of it, or not.

Fear is a little thug with a deep voice and a master of disguises.  Its job is Head of the Theft department.  It steals everything and, truth be told, those subtle, sticky fingers are in all the pies. Fear is the brains behind the whole operation and uses the unkown future to manipulate for its own feelings of security, allowing the other Gang members to think they are bigger.  Fear is the wizard behind the curtain, pulling all the levers and can be really sneaky by switching from its Big Voice to whispered lies in the ears of those that will listen. It cooks all the meals for the ring leader. Fear will steal everyone and is indiscriminate about the goods – time, dignity, security, money, you name it.  Don't compare size with ability – Fear is an accomplished thief.

And then there’s the Big R.  That’s Resentment, to you.  This is the assassin.  "R" fancies itself a Mob Boss, and really is a killer. However it rarely kills the intended offender, but has a higher mortality rate among the offended themselves. The fantasies that replay in the mind about the punishment, torture and plotted revenge on those to blame for one's troubles will consume a lot of energy and can pitch us into obsession, re-feeling the injury over and over.  Big R 's particular brand of soul sickness kills more addicts and alkies than anything else because, like a cancer, it eats your heart out a little at a time.

Well, there’s a new sheriff in town. Its name is Desperation and it's forming a posse of Truth so we can bust up the Gang and let the Sun shine in.

WORKING THE FOURTH STEP

Let’s begin by arming ourselves with the facts.  Our mission is fact-finding and fact-facing, which is the intent of the inventory.  We want to discover the truth about what’s in the warehouse that is outdated or broken so we can see what caused our power failure. Dallas B. has some excellent explanation of this and summation of what is in the Big Book at the link below.

http://www.step12.com/aa-files/4th-step-instructions-x.pdf

Just the facts, ma’am.  We are not going to get bogged down in the details of your autobiography.  Though I am certain it would be a best seller, let’s just make some lists.  Like groceries, but different.  When we make a list for the grocery store, we don’t describe in minutia everything there is to know about the product.  You need bread, you write bread (you know what kind, the color of the wrapper, where it sits on the shelf, etc.). So keep it simple. . Basically, we are looking at WHO, WHAT, WHERE and MY MISTAKE.
Below are some templates to guide you.

http://www.step12.com/aa-files/4th-step-resentments-x.pdf

We’ll start with Resentments.  Who do you believe wronged you? Who’s on "R" 's Hit list? They are the Who’s Who of our Rants and Raves.  It’s the people, principles and institutions that are eating your lunch.  Start with whom you are most resentful at this moment and go back to include people that have haunted you all your life.  Names only.  Write down the List.  When the names stop coming, STOP!

The next column is What you perceive they did to you.

This is your chance to bitch and tell the paper why you believe it's all "their fault" (for half a second, anyway). So enjoy being righteously teed off for the moment.

Warning…Be concise!!!  This is not a dissertation; it is an inventory – a list!!!  Sum it up with the crux of the issue.  20 words or less should do it for each instance.  Leave room between each person’s name or use a separate page for each, in case you have more than one resentment against them.  Do not get into the “he said/she said” editorials – it is counterproductive and will pull you off the track, dragging out what is a simple process and before you know it, you'll be throwing up your hands and saying you're confused. It is not that difficult, I promise. And it certainly doesn't require a 200-page booklet to work this step. 

The third column addresses the instincts that were hurt or threatened to help us see more specifically
Where (in what areas) am I affected  by what got written down in column two.

·               Self Esteem - How I think of myself

·               Pride - How I think others view me

·               Pocketbook - Basic desire for money, property, possessions, etc.

·               Personal Relations - Our relations with other people.

·               Emotional Security - General sense of emotional well being

·               Sex Relations - Basic drive for sexual intimacy

·               Selfish, self-centered, egotistical - “It’s about me!”

·               Ambitions - Our goals, plans and designs for the future. Ambition deals with

·               the things that we want. In examining our ambitions we notice that we have the

·               following types:
           Ø   Emotional ambitions. Our ambitions for Emotional Security. Our “feelings”.

Ø   Material ambitions - Our ambitions for “Our pocketbook.” Our ambitions towards physical and financial well-being.

Ø   Social ambitions - Our “place or position in the herd.” Our ambitions of  how others view us. Our ambitions towards what people think about us.

Ø   Sexual ambitions - Refers to ambitions for sex relations.

Note also that there are two aspects of Self that are flip sides of the same coin of Ego that will attempt to deter us from taking honest stock of ourselves.  Fear says we mustn’t look and Pride tells us we don’t have to, it’s unnecessary.  We just came here to quit drinking, right?  If Pride or Fear are involved put it in the brackets beside what was affected.

You can find this template in the Big Book, for further reference or in the templates provided in the link for resentments.

Speaking of which, on page 66 to the top of page 67 in that very same piece of literature, it says that,  “We turned back to the list for it held the key to our future.”  Wow, that’s a pretty big deal, the key to the future sounds big. Then it goes on to tell us we have to have a realization about those people and things that we believed harmed us and we have to do some prayers around that.

REALIZE = REAL EYES

When it says our course is to “realize” they were perhaps spiritually sick, like ourselves (realize = see them with your “real eyes”), the eyes of the Creator, the way you look at your children in those moments when they can do no wrong even when they have.  Use your Spirit Eyes, the ones of forgiveness, that sees everyone as being flawed, including ourselves and understanding that no one is perfect.  They bleed, too.  Hurt people hurt people.  Healed people heal people. 

Furthermore, we may not have all the facts about this person.  Especially when dealing with others in the program, we may not know that where they are right now on their journey to wellness, what their other afflictions are and where they are right now might actually be progress for them!  They may have a mental illness that is needing treatment or this may just be about as well as they can ever get.

The amazing prayer of release here is “God save ME from being angry.”  Not for them.  Not for two weeks, as so suggested in many AA meetings.  That is from one woman’s experience in the stories in the back (Freedom from Bondage).  Hey… It’s a great story.  And though this may be a helpful practice that has worked for you on some occasions, this is not the instruction in the clear-cut directions on page 67. 

THE BLAME GAME

Why do we pray this, for God to save US?  Because WE are the one with the problem, we have the resentment that will kill us.  I am the one who is angry, and my sobriety and life hang in the balance because of this injury I am nursing.

I am powerless over my resentment until I can have this realization.

There is a 4th column on this Resentment inventory that is your part.  So at the top of that column write “My Mistake”.  Blame is a useless tool when it comes to our recovery.  If I am to be free, I must stop blaming and accept my responsibility.

In that 4th column, you will be able to see with the help of the person listening to your 5th Step, how anger, selfishness, fear and dishonesty have played a role.  Patterns will be revealed where you made decision(s) based on self that put you in the position to be hurt, or retaliate.  Once we clearly accept our responsibility in the resentment, what we write in this column generally makes everything in the first two columns a form of untruth – if not necessarily in action, by our perception of that action based on our belief system.

Here’s the real irony… we say we believe one thing or agree with certain things in theory and yet our actions don’t match up with our beliefs.

Selfishness and self-centeredness IS the root of my troubles.

This is the greatest promise in our book - that our troubles are of our own making.  That means it is not their fault!!!!  But "how can that be?" you ask.

Listen, no matter how much you hurt, you have to broaden your perspective to understand this.

I am not saying this means you are condoning genuine wrong-doing of others.  I am not saying that there is no such thing as true victimization.  I understand this intimately.  In cases like abuse, don’t allow the abuse to continue by replaying the tape of the initial “injury,” re-feeling the pain and using it for fodder to fuel self-pity and drinking or using.

I am doing that to myself!!!  I can put down the proverbial knife and stop carving into my own heart.  I don’t have to wait on other people or outside circumstances to change for me to get free.  I am no longer a victim because victims don’t get recovered.  Maybe my only part is being unwilling to forgive and continuing to hate and righteously defending that choice.

Here’s the bottom line:  Even if what was done to you seems (or even was) unjust, you only have two choices for a way out – make amends or forgive.

When you have finished this section of the Inventory, take the fears out of your 3rd & 4th columns and begin the next part of your inventory.

TEARS FOR FEARS

Part 2 of the 4th Step Inventory is all about the spooky stuff … the adrenaline factory…FEARS!

Many people forget this aspect of the inventory and only get down their resentments.  This will not complete the process.  Skimping on the cement in the foundation will have the same results as half-measures – NIL, nada, zip, zero.

Remember, Fear is the mastermind of the whole Self Gang.  He is the chief activator of all character defects.  His minions drive delusion, delusion drives the dishonesty behind our selfish attitudes which results in selfish actions.  It underlies everything.

Sorry, but you gotta make another list by putting a line down the middle of your paper or use the template provided below.

http://www.step12.com/aa-files/4th-step-fears-x.pdf

If you are doing this by hand, on one side, list your fears.  Dig a little on this one.  If you only have 3 or 4 fears, you are fooling yourself.

When finished, pray for clarity, as instructed in the Big Book.  “We ask ourselves why we had them…”   Do this for each one.

Then, in the 2nd column of the Fears List (separate from the Resentments list) write why you have them.  Ask yourself: 

·          What is the worst that could happen in each situation?

·          What are the odds the worst will happen in each situation?

·          Is this a valid fear?

·          Which of these fears are due to self-reliance?  (We should be afraid of self-reliance. It fails us utterly!  

            As in every time.)

·          Which of these fears are genuinely mine and which ones might have been given to me?

Sometimes our old beliefs do not ring true for us today, but we are still operating off an outdated system that is partially responsible for some of our actions and more importantly reactions, or our default programming.  Ask yourself if the default selection needs to be changed according to the principles you are now attempting to live by.

One excellent example is revenge.  Perhaps you have lived off the eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth concept for the majority of your life because your old programming says: “No one hurts me and gets away with it.”

Is part of the motivating factor for revenge not fear that that person will hurt you again and you will be vulnerable if you forgive them?  Are you afraid people will see you as a sucker?  A door mat?

Unfortunately, this keeps us stuck.  Quite contrary, it is not empowering to stay afraid, to distrust.  We don’t want to be stupid and ignore facts, but at the same time, can we not afford the same benefit of the doubt that people can change, just as we would like them to afford us that same opportunity?

How many of the fears could be boiled down to one simple fear –

afraid your Higher Power won’t take care of you?

Why do you think God, as you understand the Divine, is not capable of, or unwilling, to handle each of your fears?  Do you believe God could AND would for you?  According to page 53 in the Chapter “We Agnostics” in the Big Book, we are faced with a decision, when “crushed by  a self-imposed crisis”…Is God everything or nothing?  Is or isn’t.  What is your choice to be?

Then, the fourth step promise is that we can “commence to outgrow fear.”

If I need to outgrow it, perhaps it is suggesting a level of immaturity.  I like to see it as an under-developed perception of reality.

THE SEX FACTOR

And finally, as George Michael so concisely put it, “Let’s Talk About Sex.”

This last portion of the inventory is not a list of every person you have ever had sexual relations with! It may, or may not be, your wildest and kinkiest experiences.  That is not the issue here!  This is really about how our selfish pursuit of the sex relation has caused harm so it could be also considered a list of harms.  And we are certain Bill W. and Dr. Bob and the first 100 men and women are still laughing that they decided to put this on page 69. Dallas’ link below will take you to the form for this section and the second link below will break out our list of  harms we did.

http://www.step12.com/aa-files/4th-step-sex-conduct-x.pdf

And how many of us have ever really shaped a sane and sound ideal for our sex lives OR relationships?

Jot down a brief list of the attributes and expectations you have for an intimate relationship ( or your sexual escapades).  Be honest with yourself.  Not necessarily what society expects you to believe.  What works for you?  Be honest with yourself and be realistic.  You can add to it later, but just the obvious basics of what you believe will work for you, based on the principles we are trying to live by – sort of the Hippocratic Oath or "Do No Harm."

http://www.step12.com/aa-files/4th-step-harms-x.pdf

Now, stay willing to subject each relation to the test in the future, and voila!  You have a completed Inventory, my friends!

For managing to get all the way through this blog entry, and the first part of your housecleaning, let’s exchange our dirty rags and feather dusters for a most amazing gift … a treasure at the end of the rainbow.  It’s a Promise…

“When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.”

MOVING ON TO AMENDS 

But don’t stop here!  In order to wrap up the job, we have to do a few more things. The house is not completely cleared of wreckage until the rip we have torn in the karmic curtains is sewn up and reparations/amends are made.

You have accomplished a good bit now in your transformational process. Your superhero cape is being measured as we speak.  (Ok, well, maybe not, nevertheless....)

At least you are one step closer to sainthood (wink wink).