Where is the Road of Happy Destiny?

How do you imagine it looks? Is it an unpaved track, strewn with brightly colored, changing leaves of Autumn? Is it a smooth passage splashed with bright sunshine, rolling green hills on either side? Does it boast an open vista of blue skies and puffy white clouds drifting lazily?

It doesn't really matter what you dream it looks like and maybe it changes and it resembles all of the above. Whatever the case, you want to get there ... you just know that you want to be on it with your friends, walking, step-by-step, maybe even skipping from time to time, in the same direction, laughing, happy, joyous and free.

Let's try something. Enter the Road of Happy Destiny in your GPS. It will likely offer some suggestions that may or may not include components of your request. Then you'd have to pick one that doesn't say exactly what you are looking for. Now you have to choose whether you want to blindly trust where the navigation system is going to send you and hope it's remotely near your destination and won't take you hundreds of miles out of your way... or you could just break out the paper map. In this case, that map would be the turn-by-turn directions bound in a little "atlas" known as the Big Book, officially known as Alcoholics Anonymous.

A Florida elder statesman in the Fellowship, Sandy B., refers to the Big Book as a treasure map. It is not the treasure itself, but it will tell you where to find the treasure. That said, I suppose that makes the map absolutely essential if you expect to find the treasure, otherwise you may as well enter "TREASURE" in the GPS and see where that takes you. Few of us are as lucky as Captain Jack Sparrow to have a compass that doesn't point north but will take us directly to what we most desire.

I am sad and amazed that in some meetings of 12 Step recovery you will get the evil eye if you read a passage from the Text - "Text" referring to the first 164 pages of the Big Book.  Now, if you read from the Daily Reflections in order to get your topic, or the 12 x 12, or that message-mangling, Living Sober book, there seems to be no issue. It is moments like these that I feel I am living in a parallel universe, that I appear to be sitting in a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous but it's really a game called, "What's Wrong with this Picture?"

A sponsee of mine recently read out of  Chapter 3, "We Agnostics", at a clubhouse, open "destruction" meeting and afterward a man approached her and asked what she was reading from. When she showed him her Big Book, his disappointed reply was, "Oh, I thought it was a spiritual book you were reading out of."  When she informed him that indeed it WAS a spiritual book, he walked away mumbling that he had read that ...ONCE.

One wonders, what was he looking for, exactly? A volume that when you open it up a magic wand floats out of it and bonks you over the head with some airy fairy poetry and you are enlightened?

A treasure map implies you have to go somewhere, do something, find something by taking some actions.

If someone gave me some rumored, spoken instructions, one time only, on how to ride a horse, then told me that they rode side-saddle and yet I had never seen a horse, nor knew how to mount one, let alone ride it, side-saddle or otherwise, I would not feel comfortable getting on a horse and galloping around the countryside.

In the relatively short time span that A.A. has been around, can it be that the Fellowship is losing its way already?  Such a result usually happens when what is relied upon is opinion or conjecture rather than using informed directions, over and over, step-by-step plus utilizing the guidance of personal experience, strength and hope of a sponsor. I find it a dark day when I cannot simply tell someone who approaches me for help to just attend a meeting. Instead, I feel it responsible to warn them about not believing everything they hear and suggest specific meetings where they might obtain the real message. Many of these are Big Book or Step studies and many times, closed meetings (mainly to avoid court referrals and the Lost & Lonely Hearts Club).

Please understand I am not intending to disrespect AA - quite the conrtary. I am not making a blanket statement about the whole of the A.A. Fellowship, nor all 12 Step programs, for that matter. However, we do seem to have wandered off the beaten path quite a bit and in droves. Fortunately, there are "pockets of enthusiasm", (a recently coined phrase), all over the world where people are passionate about carrying THE Message, as it is written in the Text that clearly states "Rarely have we seen a person fail that has thoroughly followed our path." These members and groups are getting back to the proven solution outlined by the first 100 men and women who wrote this book and the legions of people that have followed their course of action to the letter and achieved happy, useful sobriety/clean time or abstinenece.  Their meetings usually have structure and guidelines so that people don't hold an entire meeting hostage, bemoaning their woes and treating the hour as their personal group therapy session.

When a meeting has 40 people in it and 5 people hog the entire hour, and of those 5, only one maybe even mentioned solution or steps or the Big Book's agreed upon recipe for recovery, then there is something drastically wrong with this picture. Hearing about what a victim you are because your boss doesn't appreciate you, or that your weedeater is broken again and throws you into a murderous rage, is not sharing to help someone. Airing your dirty laundry with information that really should be reserved for and restricted to your 5th Step, and your sexcapades are recounted in a mixed company gathering that horrifies and runs off newcomers, and they are not silenced by the leader of the meeting - this is NOT responsible and cannot even be considered "sharing & caring", for crying out loud.

When someone says they have been given a relapse prevention workbook from a facility, though I am certain the center had the best of intentions, I wonder if the person with the workbook even realizes that the best relapse prevention is called getting recovered. (Yes, I said the past tense word ... and with no apology.) The instruction manual for permanent recovery (read your forwards) is clearly outlined in the cleverly disguised Big Book and prescribes working the Steps in order to have a spiritual awakening (or awakenings), carrying the message and continuing to work the program as shown to us in the text. "Relapse prevention" implies that I have the ability to keep myself sober if I just follow these nifty little tips in the facility workbook and keep a watchful eye on my triggers. In which case, if I could prevent my disease in the first place, I would not be powerless and therefore, I would not qualify for this program.

If I want to just be "dry", abstinent from all mind-altering substances and attempt to rack up some "time" by relying on the Fellowship and comraderie from the shipwreck to help me white knuckle my way to a few chips or even medallions, I am free to take the "advice" so liberally thrown around the rooms of watered-down Program. I can "keep coming back", "keep the plug in the jug", "just don't drink and go to meetings" and "hang in there, baby" with no dramatically different quality of life or emotional stability. If I make it, allegedly, I might end up eating a bullet one day with double digit "sobriety" because I am haunted by an out-of-control spiritual malady with no way out because Pride and Fear are my captors.

Warning - at the very least, this particular route may resemble driving with the GPS around Katmandu to reach Timbuktu, if you're lucky. Or it could lead you back into the abyss of your disease or to the gates of insanity or death, if you are truly one of  us, of the hopeless variety.

Thankfully, we have another choice. Ditch the GPS du jour and study the treasure map!

 It's colorful, a symphony of intricate icons, and though the writing seems cryptic at first, keep reading. It is beautifully, and mysteriously, crystal clear when you follow the clues and steps in order. The truth unfolds like a ship's sail and then you see the pattern painted upon it and you will understand what we are talking about.

Then you can join your brothers and sisters that are living in the common solution described on page 17, and by the time you hit page 164, you can be trudging (which does not mean grueling by the way, but "walking with purpose") the Road of Happy Destiny.

May God bless you and keep you until then.
Aaargh!

Knock Knock Knock … “HOUSEKEEPING!”

"Cleanliness is next  to Godliness,” according to the old adage.  And there may be no truer example of that than in the case of the alcoholic or drug addict.  It’s not that we are striving for sainthood or because we desire to be clean as the driven snow, it’s just the simple fact that our lives depend on it!

Thus the housecleaning begins – Step 4 in the program of recovery.  I hear the gasps and sighs already.  Some people, maybe a lot of people in the Fellowship, seem to dread this idea of taking a searching and fearless moral inventory.  Not sure if it’s the word “moral” that scares them, since many of us seem to be fuzzy in that area, but it really doesn’t have to be the monster of our nightmares jumping out from under the bed to scream “Oogely Boogely!”

Assuming that you have taken the previous Steps as the directions in the Big Book of AA have so beautifully spelled it out, then you asked something bigger than you or your disease to take care of you through the rest of the process – the remaining 9 steps.  Though you may be feeling uplifted, you are waiting for this surge of Power that magically turns you into the courageous, superhero able to leap tall character defects in a single bound… and not much has changed, right?

It’s hard to feel the Sunlight of a Divine Source if you are still standing in your own Shadow.  You believe, or are willing to believe, but you can’t quite access the Power that can accomplish what human power (particularly your own) has proved unsuccessful on your addiction.  That is, until you do a little fancy footwork forward along the path into what we call the transformational process.  All you did in the 3rd Step was make a decision and ask for help.  A decision infers that there should be some sort of action to follow it up in order to carry it out.  Now you can take the door hanger off the knob, that for so long has read “Do Not Disturb”, and let the cleaning crew come in.

Those obstacles must be removed as quickly as possible to be able to get the flow of Power when it is needed – when we are in blind obsession and driven to use, or in those strange mental blank spots when we can’t recall the pain and suffering of the last drink (or hit of crack or shot of dope.)

Your life is on the line here!  Dilly-dallying around on carrying out that decision is not a good idea.  I mean, you wouldn’t take a leisurely stroll through the worst section of town, at midnight, alone, unarmed, clean and sober, expecting to stay that way, carrying just a desire, would you?  What needs to be understood is the regenerative powers of the Ego are swift and staggering.  Dr. Harry Tiebout wrote some provocative essays on  this.  The disease is hiding behind every lurking notion you could ever dream possible and if the Ego reconstructs, the spiritual malady returns and, consequently, the obsession is not far behind.

THE SELF GANG

By the way, that section of town you’re venturing into is run by the Self Gang.  Let me introduce you.  These are the worst thugs around.  They are the Most Wanted.  Their pictures are tacked to the wall of your mental, emotional and spiritual post office.  Their ring leader is Resentment and its cronies are Fear and Selfish Behavior, particularly in the guise of Sex.

Selfishness appointed itself in charge of prostitution, loosely speaking.  It may be hiding behing the veil of romance, maybe even monogamy.  But it's slick and good lookin’, and its ulterior motive is all about what it can get from the other person or persons.  The smooth operator is the epitome of self-serving, using those it focuses attention on to make themselves feel whole, attractive, loved, cool... you name it. The game is attention and validation, whether we are aware of it, or not.

Fear is a little thug with a deep voice and a master of disguises.  Its job is Head of the Theft department.  It steals everything and, truth be told, those subtle, sticky fingers are in all the pies. Fear is the brains behind the whole operation and uses the unkown future to manipulate for its own feelings of security, allowing the other Gang members to think they are bigger.  Fear is the wizard behind the curtain, pulling all the levers and can be really sneaky by switching from its Big Voice to whispered lies in the ears of those that will listen. It cooks all the meals for the ring leader. Fear will steal everyone and is indiscriminate about the goods – time, dignity, security, money, you name it.  Don't compare size with ability – Fear is an accomplished thief.

And then there’s the Big R.  That’s Resentment, to you.  This is the assassin.  "R" fancies itself a Mob Boss, and really is a killer. However it rarely kills the intended offender, but has a higher mortality rate among the offended themselves. The fantasies that replay in the mind about the punishment, torture and plotted revenge on those to blame for one's troubles will consume a lot of energy and can pitch us into obsession, re-feeling the injury over and over.  Big R 's particular brand of soul sickness kills more addicts and alkies than anything else because, like a cancer, it eats your heart out a little at a time.

Well, there’s a new sheriff in town. Its name is Desperation and it's forming a posse of Truth so we can bust up the Gang and let the Sun shine in.

WORKING THE FOURTH STEP

Let’s begin by arming ourselves with the facts.  Our mission is fact-finding and fact-facing, which is the intent of the inventory.  We want to discover the truth about what’s in the warehouse that is outdated or broken so we can see what caused our power failure. Dallas B. has some excellent explanation of this and summation of what is in the Big Book at the link below.

http://www.step12.com/aa-files/4th-step-instructions-x.pdf

Just the facts, ma’am.  We are not going to get bogged down in the details of your autobiography.  Though I am certain it would be a best seller, let’s just make some lists.  Like groceries, but different.  When we make a list for the grocery store, we don’t describe in minutia everything there is to know about the product.  You need bread, you write bread (you know what kind, the color of the wrapper, where it sits on the shelf, etc.). So keep it simple. . Basically, we are looking at WHO, WHAT, WHERE and MY MISTAKE.
Below are some templates to guide you.

http://www.step12.com/aa-files/4th-step-resentments-x.pdf

We’ll start with Resentments.  Who do you believe wronged you? Who’s on "R" 's Hit list? They are the Who’s Who of our Rants and Raves.  It’s the people, principles and institutions that are eating your lunch.  Start with whom you are most resentful at this moment and go back to include people that have haunted you all your life.  Names only.  Write down the List.  When the names stop coming, STOP!

The next column is What you perceive they did to you.

This is your chance to bitch and tell the paper why you believe it's all "their fault" (for half a second, anyway). So enjoy being righteously teed off for the moment.

Warning…Be concise!!!  This is not a dissertation; it is an inventory – a list!!!  Sum it up with the crux of the issue.  20 words or less should do it for each instance.  Leave room between each person’s name or use a separate page for each, in case you have more than one resentment against them.  Do not get into the “he said/she said” editorials – it is counterproductive and will pull you off the track, dragging out what is a simple process and before you know it, you'll be throwing up your hands and saying you're confused. It is not that difficult, I promise. And it certainly doesn't require a 200-page booklet to work this step. 

The third column addresses the instincts that were hurt or threatened to help us see more specifically
Where (in what areas) am I affected  by what got written down in column two.

·               Self Esteem - How I think of myself

·               Pride - How I think others view me

·               Pocketbook - Basic desire for money, property, possessions, etc.

·               Personal Relations - Our relations with other people.

·               Emotional Security - General sense of emotional well being

·               Sex Relations - Basic drive for sexual intimacy

·               Selfish, self-centered, egotistical - “It’s about me!”

·               Ambitions - Our goals, plans and designs for the future. Ambition deals with

·               the things that we want. In examining our ambitions we notice that we have the

·               following types:
           Ø   Emotional ambitions. Our ambitions for Emotional Security. Our “feelings”.

Ø   Material ambitions - Our ambitions for “Our pocketbook.” Our ambitions towards physical and financial well-being.

Ø   Social ambitions - Our “place or position in the herd.” Our ambitions of  how others view us. Our ambitions towards what people think about us.

Ø   Sexual ambitions - Refers to ambitions for sex relations.

Note also that there are two aspects of Self that are flip sides of the same coin of Ego that will attempt to deter us from taking honest stock of ourselves.  Fear says we mustn’t look and Pride tells us we don’t have to, it’s unnecessary.  We just came here to quit drinking, right?  If Pride or Fear are involved put it in the brackets beside what was affected.

You can find this template in the Big Book, for further reference or in the templates provided in the link for resentments.

Speaking of which, on page 66 to the top of page 67 in that very same piece of literature, it says that,  “We turned back to the list for it held the key to our future.”  Wow, that’s a pretty big deal, the key to the future sounds big. Then it goes on to tell us we have to have a realization about those people and things that we believed harmed us and we have to do some prayers around that.

REALIZE = REAL EYES

When it says our course is to “realize” they were perhaps spiritually sick, like ourselves (realize = see them with your “real eyes”), the eyes of the Creator, the way you look at your children in those moments when they can do no wrong even when they have.  Use your Spirit Eyes, the ones of forgiveness, that sees everyone as being flawed, including ourselves and understanding that no one is perfect.  They bleed, too.  Hurt people hurt people.  Healed people heal people. 

Furthermore, we may not have all the facts about this person.  Especially when dealing with others in the program, we may not know that where they are right now on their journey to wellness, what their other afflictions are and where they are right now might actually be progress for them!  They may have a mental illness that is needing treatment or this may just be about as well as they can ever get.

The amazing prayer of release here is “God save ME from being angry.”  Not for them.  Not for two weeks, as so suggested in many AA meetings.  That is from one woman’s experience in the stories in the back (Freedom from Bondage).  Hey… It’s a great story.  And though this may be a helpful practice that has worked for you on some occasions, this is not the instruction in the clear-cut directions on page 67. 

THE BLAME GAME

Why do we pray this, for God to save US?  Because WE are the one with the problem, we have the resentment that will kill us.  I am the one who is angry, and my sobriety and life hang in the balance because of this injury I am nursing.

I am powerless over my resentment until I can have this realization.

There is a 4th column on this Resentment inventory that is your part.  So at the top of that column write “My Mistake”.  Blame is a useless tool when it comes to our recovery.  If I am to be free, I must stop blaming and accept my responsibility.

In that 4th column, you will be able to see with the help of the person listening to your 5th Step, how anger, selfishness, fear and dishonesty have played a role.  Patterns will be revealed where you made decision(s) based on self that put you in the position to be hurt, or retaliate.  Once we clearly accept our responsibility in the resentment, what we write in this column generally makes everything in the first two columns a form of untruth – if not necessarily in action, by our perception of that action based on our belief system.

Here’s the real irony… we say we believe one thing or agree with certain things in theory and yet our actions don’t match up with our beliefs.

Selfishness and self-centeredness IS the root of my troubles.

This is the greatest promise in our book - that our troubles are of our own making.  That means it is not their fault!!!!  But "how can that be?" you ask.

Listen, no matter how much you hurt, you have to broaden your perspective to understand this.

I am not saying this means you are condoning genuine wrong-doing of others.  I am not saying that there is no such thing as true victimization.  I understand this intimately.  In cases like abuse, don’t allow the abuse to continue by replaying the tape of the initial “injury,” re-feeling the pain and using it for fodder to fuel self-pity and drinking or using.

I am doing that to myself!!!  I can put down the proverbial knife and stop carving into my own heart.  I don’t have to wait on other people or outside circumstances to change for me to get free.  I am no longer a victim because victims don’t get recovered.  Maybe my only part is being unwilling to forgive and continuing to hate and righteously defending that choice.

Here’s the bottom line:  Even if what was done to you seems (or even was) unjust, you only have two choices for a way out – make amends or forgive.

When you have finished this section of the Inventory, take the fears out of your 3rd & 4th columns and begin the next part of your inventory.

TEARS FOR FEARS

Part 2 of the 4th Step Inventory is all about the spooky stuff … the adrenaline factory…FEARS!

Many people forget this aspect of the inventory and only get down their resentments.  This will not complete the process.  Skimping on the cement in the foundation will have the same results as half-measures – NIL, nada, zip, zero.

Remember, Fear is the mastermind of the whole Self Gang.  He is the chief activator of all character defects.  His minions drive delusion, delusion drives the dishonesty behind our selfish attitudes which results in selfish actions.  It underlies everything.

Sorry, but you gotta make another list by putting a line down the middle of your paper or use the template provided below.

http://www.step12.com/aa-files/4th-step-fears-x.pdf

If you are doing this by hand, on one side, list your fears.  Dig a little on this one.  If you only have 3 or 4 fears, you are fooling yourself.

When finished, pray for clarity, as instructed in the Big Book.  “We ask ourselves why we had them…”   Do this for each one.

Then, in the 2nd column of the Fears List (separate from the Resentments list) write why you have them.  Ask yourself: 

·          What is the worst that could happen in each situation?

·          What are the odds the worst will happen in each situation?

·          Is this a valid fear?

·          Which of these fears are due to self-reliance?  (We should be afraid of self-reliance. It fails us utterly!  

            As in every time.)

·          Which of these fears are genuinely mine and which ones might have been given to me?

Sometimes our old beliefs do not ring true for us today, but we are still operating off an outdated system that is partially responsible for some of our actions and more importantly reactions, or our default programming.  Ask yourself if the default selection needs to be changed according to the principles you are now attempting to live by.

One excellent example is revenge.  Perhaps you have lived off the eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth concept for the majority of your life because your old programming says: “No one hurts me and gets away with it.”

Is part of the motivating factor for revenge not fear that that person will hurt you again and you will be vulnerable if you forgive them?  Are you afraid people will see you as a sucker?  A door mat?

Unfortunately, this keeps us stuck.  Quite contrary, it is not empowering to stay afraid, to distrust.  We don’t want to be stupid and ignore facts, but at the same time, can we not afford the same benefit of the doubt that people can change, just as we would like them to afford us that same opportunity?

How many of the fears could be boiled down to one simple fear –

afraid your Higher Power won’t take care of you?

Why do you think God, as you understand the Divine, is not capable of, or unwilling, to handle each of your fears?  Do you believe God could AND would for you?  According to page 53 in the Chapter “We Agnostics” in the Big Book, we are faced with a decision, when “crushed by  a self-imposed crisis”…Is God everything or nothing?  Is or isn’t.  What is your choice to be?

Then, the fourth step promise is that we can “commence to outgrow fear.”

If I need to outgrow it, perhaps it is suggesting a level of immaturity.  I like to see it as an under-developed perception of reality.

THE SEX FACTOR

And finally, as George Michael so concisely put it, “Let’s Talk About Sex.”

This last portion of the inventory is not a list of every person you have ever had sexual relations with! It may, or may not be, your wildest and kinkiest experiences.  That is not the issue here!  This is really about how our selfish pursuit of the sex relation has caused harm so it could be also considered a list of harms.  And we are certain Bill W. and Dr. Bob and the first 100 men and women are still laughing that they decided to put this on page 69. Dallas’ link below will take you to the form for this section and the second link below will break out our list of  harms we did.

http://www.step12.com/aa-files/4th-step-sex-conduct-x.pdf

And how many of us have ever really shaped a sane and sound ideal for our sex lives OR relationships?

Jot down a brief list of the attributes and expectations you have for an intimate relationship ( or your sexual escapades).  Be honest with yourself.  Not necessarily what society expects you to believe.  What works for you?  Be honest with yourself and be realistic.  You can add to it later, but just the obvious basics of what you believe will work for you, based on the principles we are trying to live by – sort of the Hippocratic Oath or "Do No Harm."

http://www.step12.com/aa-files/4th-step-harms-x.pdf

Now, stay willing to subject each relation to the test in the future, and voila!  You have a completed Inventory, my friends!

For managing to get all the way through this blog entry, and the first part of your housecleaning, let’s exchange our dirty rags and feather dusters for a most amazing gift … a treasure at the end of the rainbow.  It’s a Promise…

“When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.”

MOVING ON TO AMENDS 

But don’t stop here!  In order to wrap up the job, we have to do a few more things. The house is not completely cleared of wreckage until the rip we have torn in the karmic curtains is sewn up and reparations/amends are made.

You have accomplished a good bit now in your transformational process. Your superhero cape is being measured as we speak.  (Ok, well, maybe not, nevertheless....)

At least you are one step closer to sainthood (wink wink).

The Sharpest Tool in the Shed

There’s a saying in 12 Step meetings that in the Program there’s a wrench that fits every nut ... and we have our fair share of nuts.

There is a simple kit of spiritual tools we use, as the Steps are so described in The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and the tools in that kit perform miraculous repairs, restoring families, rebuilding lives, constructing communities and even fashioning amazing works of art in the human condition.

Throughout my journey on this path of recovery, my experience has shown me time and again, that while I have probably accumulated enough additional tools for dealing with life sober to fill a whole shed, there is one particular wrench that was part of the initial kit, which still serves me. It is not a tool I use once then store away on a shelf to gather dust. I use it over and over in many ways, on a regular, and even daily, basis.

That tool would be the inventory process.

The 4th Step in the Program of recovery is making a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. This inventory, a simple self-analysis that efficiently uncovers the ick in our souls, allows us discovery of the energetic and emotional congestion blocking us from the Sunlight of Spirit or connection to a Power greater than ourselves, which is necessary to expel the obsession to drink or use. Not only is the personal inventory a life saver, but a life preserver. It is the beginning of an internal housecleaning and start of a transformational process that should continue to be part and parcel of a design for living to assists in one’s sobriety and spiritual evolution.

Now, in all of the 12 Step Fellowships that are based on the original AA formula there are a number of misconceptions about how to work the Program, especially the inventory process.  This formula is really NOT a matter of opinion. There are clear-cut directions that are laid out in the Big Book text, that if read and studied, reveals a specific way and time-line to work the Steps, based on the experience (not opinion) that was and has proven to have a healthy success rate for recovery.

One could argue that the literature says these are suggested steps but then, as you jump out of an airplane, the flight instructor “suggests” you pull the rip cord on the parachute AND tells you precisely when to do that.

I also have heard over the years in meetings that an alcoholic or drug addict should “wait until they are more sober” to do this 4th Step work. This makes no sense in light of the real alcoholic and/or junkie’s plight. It implies that we are not powerless. The Big Book on page 45 says “Lack of Power, that was our dilemma.”

Note drugs and alcohol are NOT the problem – the power, or lack thereof, is the issue.

Here’s the Catch 22 – the chronic alcoholic or addict has proven they can’t stay sober on their own power or they wouldn’t have come for help in the first place. The reason they can’t keep away from the substance is because they are blocked from accessing the needed Power to stay drug and alcohol free, due to obstructions.  So how are they going to keep themselves clean and sober until some unspecified date in the nebulous future?

I have yet to witness a person take inventory too soon, but I have attended many funerals of those who waited too long.

The book says that after taking the 3rd Step, “next” and “at once” are the time references for when to take inventory. (More on this is in my blog about the nitty-gritty of the inventory itself.)

Another misconception that is perpetuated in certain recovery settings is that a personal inventory is some frightening, unbearable, daunting, impossible journey into our sordid, regretful pasts and that turning around to meeting one’s Shadow automatically turns them to stone like Medusa.

It’s just an inventory, people. It’s a series of lists, for crying out loud. It is “taking stock” of the manifestations of Self or a self-centered attitude and existence. It’s not a litany of what a terrible person you are, to be used for fodder for self-pity. “I am so rotten. Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink.” This is just the flip-side of Ego. It is false humility.

Look, inventory is basically a list of resentments, fears and sex conduct. We say a few prayers, get a few realizations, see some patterns and get a reality check, some insight and, hopefully, some willingness to change and be different.

Okay, so it’s a sharp tool and it might sting a little on first incision, but it cuts away all the stuff that is NOT the real me, the person I was created to be, a spiritual being that is a Light meant to shine beauty and truth. (How do you like that for lofty?)

Finally, let me address one of the most harmful misunderstandings in the Fellowships – that “if you work the 4th Step once and do a 10th Step regularly, you never have to take the 4th Step again.”

Unfortunately, our co-founder, Bill W. was of this very school of thought and he suffered from severe depression for the majority of his sobriety. Please understand, I am not bashing Bill – I am eternally grateful for the man and have the utmost respect for the fact that he was used as a channel to help millions of alcoholics and other addicts of various and sundry addictions. I am simply stating a fact and suggesting that perhaps had he been willing to go through the entire process more than once, he might not have had to suffer so.

Furthermore, when Bill wrote the commentary, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, he included some conflicting information on the inventory process in Step 10 with what is written in the Big Book, perhaps leading to some of the confusion in the Fellowship. Many people think that what they do at night before retiring is the 10th Step. Actually, the nightly review is part of the 11th Step, because it keeps us seeking through prayer and meditation to improve our contact with our Higher Power as we understand It. The 11th Step is the bookends of the day, disciplines morning and night found on page 86-88 and the 10th is what we do throughout the day, according to the Big Book.

Many times I find I must do more than just “run a few columns” at night. Several times a year, I may end up writing a full blown analysis of the things that have cropped up for me that are currently blocking me from the flow of Power, preventing me from being an open channel to help others and the free spirit I truly am striving to be today. I am no longer comfortable in the bondage of Self and cannot remain that way for long. The Ego reconstructs and with it, the spiritual malady that will kill me, cutting me off from my life line, Power.

Maybe you are like me … I am an undisciplined person, so it takes perseverance (a principle of the 10th Step) to continue to stay on the path, doing the “do” things to grow in understanding and effectiveness and stay sober and/or clean. That is how I “keep in fit spiritual condition.”

If the inventory tool works so well and so effectively, why would I only do that once? And where it “suggests” to “continue to take personal inventory”, I see that word “continue” to mean CONTINUE the transformational process (Steps 4-12) so I can get a deeper and deeper relationship with myself, my Higher Power and the people about me so I can fulfill my purpose of “maximum usefulness’ to you.

Welcome

Welcome to the 12 Step Path.

I am not certain what brought you here, how you might have stumbled upon this blog or sought it out intentionally. Perhaps you are curious because you think you may have a problem with alcohol or drugs or maybe you are currently walking with purpose along the Road of Happy Destiny. It really doesn't matter whether you are taking your first step on this path or you are a seasoned traveler - what does matter is that you're here. Welcome!

Let me introduce myself.

 I am a recovered alcoholic and my name is Marcia. By the Grace of a Higher Power that separated me from alcohol and mind-altering chemicals on September 2, 1986, I have been given a gift. This is a priceless, fragile gift that I do not take for granted. I have not had a drink since I was brought to AA, which is a miracle in itself. I drank alcoholically from my first drink at the age of 14, when blacked out for approximately 3 hours. It was like falling in love. Maybe you understand what I mean. It treated my alcoholism, a feeling of not belonging in this world, a discomfort in my skin, my cnception of who I was - in essence, a malady of the spirit.

 So, I was an "instant alcoholic", if you will. I had an allergy to alcohol that manifested in a compulsion to drink more and more until I was stopped by some force other than my own will. I could never get enough. Tragic things happened, people were hurt, I was a wreck of a human being for some time, even though I could still keep up appearances to a degree.

Then, one day it stopped working. Instead of being my solution, instead of becoming comfortably numb, I felt too much. It ceased turning off the monkey mind that attacked me when I was not drinking - a symptom of obsession.  If not for the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, I would not have enjoyed the opportunity for the happy, joyous and free life I have experienced for almost 25 years now.

If it were not for the people who reached back with the hand of AA when I reached out for help, I would likely not have survived my disease of addiction. And, most importantly, had it not been for the clear-cut directions in the text, Alcoholics Anonymous, affectionately known as the Big Book, again, my results would not have been as satisfactory and possibly not even successful.

What I recognize and am forever grateful for today is that my first step occurred in another alcoholic's twelfth step. The person who gave me my first Big Book, the woman who checked me into treatment when I hit bottom, the young man who reached out to me at my first meeting and introduced me to the lady that became my sponsor ... all of these recovering people and many more in some way contributed to filling my empty bucket with hope. It was an attraction I had to this thing they possessed. They were content, even with unresolved life "problems". They were employed, honest, humble and striving to be better people.

As an elder statesman of Alcoholics Anonymous, Clancy I., puts it, recovery happens when "one alcoholic talks with another alcoholic, helping him reduce his feelings of difference enough so that he will take actions which he does not yet believe in" in order to achieve results which cannot be explained.

The 12 Step Path blog came about as another avenue for me to carry the message of hope and recovery offered by the transformational process that saved my life, restored my faith in a Creative Intelligence, a Spirit of the Universe, no matter what you call it by name.

The Program, Alcoholics Anonymous, is not a course to be attended, a punitive judicial sentence, religious zealots or group therapy. It is NOT a self-help program. If you want to know more, please come back and visit often or email me directly at the address which can be found under the Contact link.

If you want to know about the proven solution for the chronic alcoholic or drug addict, go to a Big Book study or a closed meeting. The help is free. Read the book, find someone who actively works the Steps continuously as a way of life and ask them to guide you through your own 12 Steps. Above all, please keep an open mind. The British philosopher, Herbert Spencer wrote :

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance - that principle is contempt prior to investigation."

Please also visit my friend, Glen A.'s blog, Our Common Solution at ourcommonsolution.blogspot.com

Thank you for stopping in and I look forward to meeting you along my path.