Feelin’ the Love

"Then you will know what it means to give of yourself that others may survive and rediscover life. You will learn the full meaning of "Love thy neighbor as thyself."

Pg.153, Alcoholics Anonymous a.k.a. “The Big Book”

As Valentine’s Day approaches and love is the “hot” topic of discussion, I am reflecting on love and what does it all mean. People say “I love you” to one another all the time in meetings and outsiders may look at us askance at times. Of course, love is the absinthe of poets and romantics, and for those of us in recovery, can sometimes be Chapter One in a debacle of epic proportions. I mean who hasn’t heard a drunk launch into drama that begins with “See, there’s this girl (or guy)…” .

I am really wanting to look a little closer, however, at the different types of love, according to the distinctions of the Ancient Greeks which inspired author, C.S. Lewis, who wrote “The Four Loves”. Of course, Lewis was a much better writer than me, to say the least. So here they are:

• Storge refers to natural affection, like that felt by parents for offspring. This type refers almost exclusively to relationships within the family. It is also known to express mere acceptance or putting up with situations, much like our code in recovery of “Love and tolerance” for others.

• Philia means friendship or affectionate love. Developed by the philosopher, Aristotle, this concept includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity. In ancient texts, philos denoted a general type of love, used for love between family, between friends, a desire or enjoyment of an activity, as well as, between lovers.

• Éros is passionate love, with sensual desire and longing. The word "erotas" means "intimate love;" however, eros does not have to be sexual in nature. Eros can be interpreted as a love for someone whom you love more than the philia, love of friendship. It can also apply to dating relationships as well as marriage. Plato refined his own definition: Although eros is initially felt for a person, with contemplation it becomes an appreciation of the beauty within that person, or even becomes appreciation of beauty itself. Plato does not talk of physical attraction as a necessary part of love, hence the use of the word platonic to mean, "without physical attraction." Another philosopher, Socrates stated that eros helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty, and contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth but that even sensually-based love aspires to the non-corporeal, spiritual plane of existence; that is, finding its truth, just like finding any truth, leads to transcendence.

• Agápe means unconditional love, as in general affection or deeper sense of "true love" rather than the attraction suggested by "eros". It can also be described as the feeling of being content or holding one in high regard. Agape was appropriated by Christians for use to express the self-sacrificing, unconditional love of God. Before agape love, there was no other word to express such great love.

The connection between love, in whatever form, and a higher plane of existence, or spiritual energy, is irrefutable.

Often you hear in the Fellowship the term, “Love and Service” used, which was the mantra of our co-founder, Dr. Bob. Robert Holbrook Smith, M.D. was a shining paragon of agape love, personally treating more than 5,000 alcoholics in his lifetime at St. Thomas Hospital in Akron. Our other co-founder of AA, Bill W., said that Dr. Bob’s “spiritual example was a powerful influence, and he never charged a cent for his medical care. So Dr. Bob became ‘the prince of all twelfth steppers.’ Perhaps nobody will ever do such a job again.”

Love is a verb, an action word, especially for those of us in recovery who depend upon love’s magic to survive. On page 14, in Bill’s story, he wrote that “Faith without works is dead. For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, (we) may not be able to meet the trials and low spots ahead. “

You so often encounter the erroneous and misconstrued slogan in meetings that this is a “selfish program”, when quite the contrary, it is anything but. Selfishness is the root of our troubles. Altruism is simply the lifeblood of, not only an integral part of the solution for the self-obsessed addict or alcoholic, but the basis for the continuance of the Fellowship. Our primary purpose - to stay sober and help other alcoholics achieve sobriety. Not for Ego, but because we are paying back in gratitude for the love and ready-acceptance shown to us and paying forward at the same time.

I am humbled when I read the many 12 Step Promises in our book including the fact that I have recovered and been given the power to help others. That according to page 124, “ the dark past is the greatest possession you have - they key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them.”

This is the kind of love that heals. It doesn’t seek something for itself, yet ironically, we receive from the giving. I see a sticker on many of my friends Big Books that uses the play on words of an allusion to tennis, but it is so true in our case – “Love wins.”

Everybody wins when we choose to love with our spirit, as unconditionally as is humanly possible.
It is the essence of the heart.